my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You may now shotgun with the bride
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
