I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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