He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
