he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
