My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
