I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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