That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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