I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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