I think my fart just growled at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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