he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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