I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
