i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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