when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
