He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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