He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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