My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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