He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
