sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
