everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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