I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
