you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
