Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
