I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
