BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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