can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
