Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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