Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
