I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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