im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize