I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
