All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
