TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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