I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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