Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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