Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
