Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
