You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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