You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
