The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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