Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
