i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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