i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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