Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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