GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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