I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
