Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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