True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There r osticjed everywhere
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
