my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
