There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
