Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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