Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You are a genius and a whore.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
