Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
