Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize