We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
