quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
