i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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